Self
by axania chic
Summary: A Matt story, of him being bullied at school and him struggling to cope. Warning mention of self harm.


** Self **

Yamato 'Matt' Ishida rolled over, tugging at his sheets as he awoke breathing heavily. He could never remember his dreams but they got to him still. He looked the darkness seeing a shaft of moonlight fall across his desk. Matt rolled over again trying to grasp sleep, facing the black wall. A few hours later he gave up and went over to his desk, switching on his computer he opened up his gaming folder and began hitting the hell out of the computer images. Looking at the clock Matt realised it was time for school. He walked into his bathroom and jumped in the shower; the blast of hot water hit him hard but soothed him slowly. He washed his blonde hair then climbed out wrapping a green towel around his slightly toned body. Going back into his room he went to his wardrobe and opened the pine doors. Pulling out his baggy jeans and back skull t-shirt he put a long, dark blue t-shirt under it. Matt picked up his blue rucksack putting in his school books for that day. Finally he put his CD walkman in his jeans pocket and took some CD's from the grey CD rack. Switching off his PC he ran downstairs into the kitchen seeing his Dad.

"Morning," Matt muttered going into the fridge for a chocolate milkshake.

His Dad nodded then Matt left for school bumping into Tai along the way. Matt looked around feeling lost as usual, he didn't feel welcome here in school and never had which Tai couldn't seem to understand.

"Oi! Yam get your hair cut!" yelled someone in the busy corridor.

Matt hung his head and walked into his classroom the voices following. Sitting down next to Tai he waited for the teacher to register him before getting out his notebook. Picking out his pen he began scribbling. Time passed by but only when the bell went did Matt move. Tai watched him puzzled but Matt ignored him and switched on his walkman the sounds of Hoobastank soothing him. Drifting to art he sat at the back hidden away and listened to the teacher. 10 minutes later he started work on his project drawing heavily with his pencil. Time passed again unnoticed as lines appeared on the paper. Matt paused looking at the drawing before he sketched on further not noticing someone behind him.

"Its Yammie drawing what is it?" sneered Greg.

Matt put his arms over his drawing protectively, but mistakenly showing his arms. He hid the bandage quickly and returned to his work still being very protective of it. Finally he heard the footsteps of someone walking away and continued drawing a newly formed idea.

The bell went and Matt stood up slowly before he went outside to break. The sky was an overcast grey and the group huddled together by the wall. Matt half-heartedly joined in a conversation with Tai and Jyou. He heard someone run up and looked down to find Kari staring at him. He smiled at her then saw she was holding a black folder.

"Here, this is yours," she explained and held it up.

Matt took it puzzled then remembered he had lent it to her the other day.

"So what did you think of my work?" he asked still smiling.

"They're really good thanks for letting me use them for graphics. How do you draw like that?" she questioned.

"Just comes naturally," Matt answered shrugging.

Kari nodded and joined TK next to his part of the wall and Matt leaned back turning on his CD walkman.

The day passed through and Matt went through it numb and walked home with Tai lost in his thoughts. Going into his bedroom he lay on his bed amongst the sheets ignoring everything. His arms were covered in scratches and his legs bruises but he didn't know how he did the bruises. Matt just awoke with them each morning. To him they just proved he hated himself not just when he was awake but when he was asleep too. The phone rang and with a sigh he answered it.

"Matt I'm sorry but there's a problem at work so I won't be coming home tonight but I've arranged for you to stay at Tai's tonight and maybe tomorrow. Tai will be there any second to pick you up, sorry son," Matt's Dad added hanging up.

Matt frowned and put the phone back on standby before choosing clothes and picking up books up off the floor. Stuffing them in his rucksack, he went over to his computer desk and into the middle drawer. Moving his games to one side, he lifted up the bottom of the drawer and picked out one razor blade. Putting it into his pocket, Matt quickly covered the drawer again and locked it. Going onto his knees he turned off the PC and the rest of the lights then picked up his bags and keys. Checking all the windows, around the house, were closed and the lights were off he went outside and waited for Tai. Sitting on the concrete step, his mood was reflected in the overcast sky above. Tai arrived five minutes later and Matt forced himself to talk about anything.

Putting his stuff on Tai's floor he was glad that he had the lower bunk and followed Tai to the dining room where his dinner was waiting. He kept eating to avoid conversation when Kari cornered him and asked to see his folder again. With an inward sigh, Matt rummaged through his bag for it and turned to see Tai standing in the doorway. He switched on the light and closed the door.

"I managed to distract Kari with the use of the PC while you tell me why you're so quiet?" coaxed Tai.

"I'm always so quiet," smiled Matt, his first for a while.

"You've spoken ten words when I've been around you and all you've listened to is your music," replied Tai.

"I'm sorry," Matt mumbled lowering his gaze.

"You don't need to say sorry just tell me what is wrong Yamato?" asked Tai softly.

Matt began to move his lips but then there was a knock on the door and Tai's mother came in.

"There's a movie on the TV, Reign of Fire, and I know Tai wanted to see it so are you boys coming in?" she asked.

Both nodded and followed her into the living room and they sat on the white sofa, unable to watch the movie. A few hours later Tai and Matt were ushered upstairs to bed and Tai went into the bathroom to change leaving Matt to do the same in his room. Matt cursed when he realized all he had for bed was a short sleeved t-shirt and boxers, both blue. The t-shirt would show the arms he had been hiding for months now. Matt pulled out his notebook and pen and jumped onto the bed when he heard the door closed.

"How long have you been there?" he questioned Tai without looking up.

Tai walked over, his face showing his battle to keep his emotions at bay. He picked up Matt's right arm and turned it over revealing more cuts. Glancing at the bruises on Matt's leg he struggled not to scream and shout.

"Why?" he whispered.

"I can't explain it, I can't stop but my legs I just wake up each morning and they're covered in new bruises. I've really tried Tai to stop and I can't not with them every school day," spat Matt.

"I knew it was getting to you Matt but Matt is this why you're drawings are so dark? Why didn't you ignore it?" Tai asked.

"Tai I couldn't! Not after all this time, I couldn't, not anymore," cried Matt.

"You believe it don't you," replied Tai.

Matt nodded and leaned against the wall hoping for a little support from it. Tai sat on the bed next to him and looked at his friend still reeling.

"Matt you're so much better than them, you're looking at an art scholarship and look at creative class you've got the highest grades plus look at all your friends," added Tai.

Matt nodded again expecting all of this, how could he explain how much he just hated being himself when Tai didn't and couldn't understand. Tai sighed and climbed onto the top bunk, switching off the dim light and looked up at the ceiling, waiting for what seemed an age for sleep to come.

"Matt," he began before dropping off, "You're my best friend and I know I can't understand this but I will be here for you," promised Tai.

"I know," came the reply and Matt sank into a deep sleep.

Halfway through the night Matt awoke and chucked on a jumper and tied on his trainers before sneaking out the window. Climbing over the fence of the balcony, he got a firm grip on the bars and dropped. Matt hit the ground softly and took out his notebook from his jumper and his pen from his sock. He jogged down to the end of the garden and jumped the fence. Matt carried on running down an alley and across a small bridge before finally sitting on a hill after going down another alley. A half moon lit up his blonde hair allowing him to see a little but he also got out his small torch from his other sock. He began writing, ignoring everything else around as he became lost in his thoughts.

Tai rolled over and looked under his bed hoping to see Matt asleep but the bed was empty. Quickly climbing down off the bunk, he dressed the same as Matt and also went the same way as him. Reaching the hill, he ran up it and jumped Matt from behind making them roll down the hill. Matt was still holding all of his things and removed himself from Tai's grasp. Sitting on the grass, he glanced at Tai who was panting heavily and looking at him very confused.

"Read this and maybe you'll understand," said Matt handing him the notebook and hugged his knees to his chest.

Tai nodded and began reading from the first page, the notes or poetry Matt had scribbled in. Tai was astounded by how naked Matt seemed in this book and almost, in a way, grasped what Matt was feeling.

"Matt….I..," he stammered.

"It's ok I know," comforted Matt.

"How can you say ok when..," mumbled Tai unable to think.

"Because I've dealt with this for a while now," answered Matt.

Tai just looked at his best friend then hugged him wishing he could have helped earlier. Moving apart Matt was surprised at his friend's sudden emotion.

"I promise to help you in any way possible," vowed Tai.

"You are," replied Matt.

Tai smiled and so did Matt wondering if for once he could beat this.

Fini

An: this story is nearly 4 years old at least, written when they repeated the first Digimon series (the only I really like) and I just came up with the idea. Review and tell me what you think, I quite like this story and actually forgot I had written it.


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